Resilience without vulnerability is numbness

If you are not vulnerable your resilience is inauthentic

A few days ago I was in a bookstore to get me new reading material. There was a book at shelf with the bestsellers that caught my attention. It was entitled: Resilience: The secret of mental toughness - What makes us strong against stress, depression and burn-out. I admit, I didn’t buy the book and read it, but I researched a little bit about the term resilience. In Wikipedia Germany I found the following definition: resilience (lat. resilire, snap back 'bounce', similar to resistance.) is the ability to cope with crises by making use of personal and socially mediated resources and to take them as an opportunity for development. Psychology assumes that the foundations of this resilience are already laid in childhood and that there are people who develop this ability by nature. Resilience is also compared with the immune system of the soul or hard skin on the soul. So far, so good. But part of the definition on Wikipedia made ​​me suspicious. It says: The opposite of resilience is vulnerability. I knew that there was something amiss!

If a psychologist would have tested my resilience, I certainly would have passed the test. Resilient children (according to Wikipedia) are described by their teachers as adaptive, robust, attentive, efficient, clever, curious and full of self-confidence. This is a very fitting description of me as a child, but also as a teenager and as a young adult - even if my confidence was probably an act because I didn’t felt self-confident at all. Because deep in me there was this conviction of not being good enough. So all my resilience was based on nothing more than a sophisticated, often tested survival strategy (including acting skills), which had absolutely nothing to do with authentic resilience. I was very successful with this strategy and my environment envied my positive attitude. I was everybody’s darling, I managed each test and was able to put away crises and difficult situations in very short time - literally. I did this successfully until the place where I put everything was full. Then it was over with my resilience! You can imagine what happened next.

I assume out of my own experience that often resilience, so highly vaunted in psychology, is just that: a clever survival strategy consisting of a high ability to adapt, to numb feelings and thereby fooling oneself and others. It makes a difference whether I can stand and put away difficult situations or whether I have really learned to deal with them and to use them for my life. The former can be achieved by making ourselves as numb as possible, applying positive thinking. Authentic, genuine resilience can mean but the latter.

Brene Brown, an American social researcher, researched about the phenomenon of happy people for a long time. She found out in the first step that the feeling of connection is a key factor for happy people, in all dimensions: connection to others, to oneself, to the world, to what we are doing. She further found out, that this connection is often disturbed by the fear of inadequacy and not being worthy of love. The feeling of shame interrupts the connection and makes us avoiding connection. In her TED Talk, The power of vulnerability, Brene Brown defines shame as the fear of disconnection, in the sense of: "When others see me as I really am, then I will get cast out, because I am not good enough and not worthy of connection." But the point is, that real connection can only occur, when we are authentic and let us be seen, for what we really are - with all our faults and imperfections. Brene has discovered that there are two groups of people within her research: those who believed that they are worthy of love and connection, even with their faults and imperfections, and those who thought they were not good enough and not worthy of connection. She looked further at the first mentioned group and found out that the people of this group all had the following qualities: the courage to show up with their imperfections, compassion towards themselves and others and connection - as a result of their authenticity. These people were willing to be vulnerable and to deal with the fear of exclusion to get themselves connected.

The result of her research was the following distinction: vulnerability is on the one hand the core of shame and fear, but it is also the birthplace of creativity, joy, love and belonging - it is the secret recipe of happy people. And I personally would even go further: vulnerability is the basis of authentic resilience! Not the resilience that pretends and puts things away. Not the resilience that tries to cover the feeling of shame and fear with positive thinking, in order not to feel anything. I don’t talk about the ability to deceive ourselves that nothing can upset us, which is based on a high level of numbness. The resilience that I talk about is born of vulnerability in the sense of willingness and ability to feel and accept pain. Pain in form of anger, fear, sadness and joy. And the ability to use this pain as fuel to create our lives according to our vision.

Just as we can build our physical immune system through conscious and healthy eating, conscious body workout and so on, we can also build and strengthen the immune system of our emotional body by learning to feel again. Authentic resilience does not mean to cultivate a hard skin on our souls in order not to feel anything, but to train our emotional muscles and hold them smooth, in order to feel pain already on a very low level and we can take it as an indicator to do something.

Conscious feelings work is a training for authentic resilience.

Love,

Patrizia

I definitely recommend watching the TED Talk by Brene Brown, The Power of Vulnerabilty

Resilienz ohne Verletzlichkeit ist Taubheit

Wenn du nicht verletzlich bist, ist deine Widerstandskraft inauthentisch

Vor ein paar Tagen war ich in einer Buchhandlung, um mir neuen Lesestoff zu besorgen. Im Bestseller-Regal stand ein Buch, das meine Aufmerksamkeit erregte. Es trug den Titel ‚Resilienz: Das Geheimnis der psychischen Widerstandskraft - Was uns stark macht gegen Stress, Depressionen und Burn-out‘. Ich gebe zu, ich habe das Buch nicht gekauft und nicht gelesen, allerdings habe ich mich danach mit dem Begriff ‚Resilienz‘ beschäftigt. In Wikipedia fand ich folgende Definition: Resilienz (lat. resilire ‚zurückspringen‘ ‚abprallen‘, deutsch etwa Widerstandsfähigkeit) ist die Fähigkeit, Krisen durch Rückgriff auf persönliche und sozial vermittelte Ressourcen zu meistern und als Anlass für Entwicklungen zu nutzen. Die Psychologie geht davon aus, dass die Fundamente dieser ‚Widerstandskraft‘ bereits in der Kindheit gelegt werden und es Menschen gibt, die diese Fähigkeit von Natur aus entwickeln. Resilienz wird auch verglichen mit dem Immunsystem der Seele oder mit ‚Hornhaut‘ auf der Seele. So weit, so gut. Ein Teil der Definition auf Wikipedia hat mich aber dann stutzig gemacht. Dort heißt es: Das Gegenteil von Resilienz ist Vulnerabilität (Verwundbarkeit). Wusste ich doch, dass da irgendetwas faul ist!

Wäre ich irgendwann mal von einem Psychologen daraufhin untersucht worden, hätte man mir mit Sicherheit Resilienz bescheinigt. Resiliente Kinder werden (laut Wikipedia) von ihren Erzieherinnen beschrieben als anpassungsfähig, belastbar, aufmerksam, tüchtig, gescheit, neugierig und voller Selbstvertrauen. Genauso war ich als Kind, aber auch als Jugendliche und als junge Erwachsene – auch wenn das Selbstvertrauen wohl eher gespielt war, denn ich hatte nicht wirklich Selbstvertrauen. Denn tief in mir war die Überzeugung aktiv, nicht gut genug zu sein. Meine ganze Widerstandkraft beruhte also auf nichts anderem, als auf einer ausgeklügelten, vielfach getesteten Überlebensstrategie (inklusive schauspielerischer Fähigkeiten), die nichts, aber auch gar nichts mit authentischer Widerstandskraft zu tun hatte. Ich war überaus erfolgreich damit und mein Umfeld beneidete mich um meine positive Einstellung. Ich war allseits beliebt und gerne gesehen, schaffte jede Prüfung und steckte Krisen und schwierige Situationen unglaublich schnell weg – und das im wahrsten Sinne des Wortes. Das ging so lange gut, bis der Ort, wohin ich alles ‚wegsteckte‘ irgendwann voll war. Dann war es erst mal vorbei mit der Resilienz! Sie können sich vorstellen, was dann passiert ist.

Meine eigene Erfahrung lässt mich vermuten, dass die in der Psychologie so hochgepriesene Resilienz bei vielen Menschen oftmals genau das ist: eine als Überlebensstrategie entwickelte überdurchschnittliche Fähigkeit sich anzupassen, Gefühle zu betäuben und sich dabei selbst und anderen etwas vorzumachen. Es ist ein Unterschied, ob ich schwierige Lebenssituationen gut ertragen und wegstecken kann oder ob ich wirklich gelernt habe, damit umzugehen und sie für mein Leben zu nutzen. Ersteres kann erreicht werden, indem wir uns so gut wie möglich taub machen und positiv denken. Authentische, echte Resilienz kann aber nur letzteres bedeuten.

Brene Brown, eine amerikanische Sozialforscherin, beschäftigte sich lange Zeit mit dem Phänomen von glücklichen Menschen. Sie fand im ersten Schritt heraus, dass das Gefühl von Verbindung (connection) einen Schlüsselfaktor für glückliche Menschen darstellt und zwar in allen Dimensionen: Verbindung zu anderen, zu sich selbst, zur Welt, zu dem was man tut. Sie fand weiterhin heraus, dass diese Verbindung oftmals durch die Angst, nicht zu genügen und nicht liebenswert zu sein, gestört ist. Das Gefühl von Scham unterbricht sozusagen diese Anbindung und lässt uns aus der Verbindung gehen. Brene Brown definiert in ihrem TED-Talk ‚The power of vulnerability‘ Scham als die Angst vor dem Abgetrenntsein, im Sinne von „Wenn die anderen mich so sehen, wie ich wirklich bin, dann werde ich ausgestoßen, weil ich nicht gut genug und der Verbindung nicht würdig bin.“ Die Krux liegt aber darin, dass echte Verbindung erst zustande kommt, wenn wir authentisch sind und uns den anderen so zeigen, wie wir wirklich sind – mit all unseren Fehlern und Unvollkommenheiten. Brene hat entdeckt, dass es in ihrer Forschung zwei Gruppen von Menschen gab: diejenigen, die sich trotz ihrer Fehler und Unvollkommenheit für würdig erachteten, in Verbindung zu sein und diejenigen, die sich für nicht gut genug hielten, wenn die anderen herausfinden würden, wie sie wirklich sind. Sie befasste sich genauer mit der ersten Zielgruppe und fand heraus, dass die Menschen dieser Gruppe alle folgende drei Eigenschaften aufwiesen: den Mut bzw. die Beherztheit (courage), sich mit ihren Unvollkommenheiten zu zeigen, Mitgefühl (compassion) sich selbst und anderen gegenüber und Verbindung (connection) – und zwar als Folge ihrer Authentizität. Diese Menschen waren also bereit, verletzlich zu sein und die Angst vor Ausgrenzung in Kauf zu nehmen, um in Verbindung zu gehen.

Das Ergebnis ihrer Forschung brachte Brene Brown zu folgender Erkenntnis: Verletzlichkeit ist einerseits der Kern von Scham und Angst, sie ist aber auch gleichzeitig der Geburtsort von Kreativität, Freude, Liebe und Zugehörigkeit – sie ist das Geheimrezept glücklicher Menschen. Und ich würde noch weiter gehen: Verletzlichkeit ist geradezu die Voraussetzung für authentische Resilienz! Also nicht die Resilienz, die so tut als ob und die Dinge ‚wegsteckt‘. Nicht die Resilienz, die versucht durch positives Denken das Gefühl von Scham und Angst zu überdecken, um es nicht zu fühlen. Nicht die durch eine möglichst hohe Taubheit ‚erkaufte‘ Fähigkeit, sich selbst vorzumachen, dass uns nichts umwerfen kann. Die Resilienz, von der ich spreche, authentische Resilienz, wird aus Verletzlichkeit geboren, also aus der Bereitschaft und der Fähigkeit, Schmerz zu fühlen und in Kauf zu nehmen. Schmerz in Form von Wut, Angst, Traurigkeit und Freude. Und diesen Schmerz dann als Treibstoff zu nutzen, um unser Leben nach unserer Vision zu gestalten.

Genauso wie wir unser körperliches Immunsystem aufbauen können durch bewusste und gesunde Ernährung, bewusstes Köpertraining usw. können wir das Immunsystem unseres emotionalen Körpers aufbauen und stärken, indem wir wieder lernen, zu fühlen. Authentische Resilienz entsteht also nicht dadurch, dass wir eine möglichst dicke ‚Hornhaut‘ auf der Seele entwickeln, um Schmerz nicht zu fühlen, sondern indem wir unsere ‚Gefühlsmuskeln‘ so trainieren und geschmeidig halten, dass wir den Schmerz bereits dann fühlen, wenn er noch nicht überwältigend groß geworden ist und wir ihn als Hinweis wahrnehmen können, dass es etwas zu tun gibt.

Bewusste Gefühlsarbeit ist ein Training für authentische Resilienz.

Herzlichst

Eure Patrizia

To change your life, it only needs a decision

If you do not choose consciously, you choose unconsciously – but it is still your own choice

There are three secret forces, inherent to all human beings. Secret because we normally do not consider them as forces, we possess, to make a difference. Nobody told us, that it is transformative forces, we can use at any time and without preparation. If we really perceived them as forces and if we consciously used them, the world as we know it today would probably look different. I bet, that you are already curious, what three forces I am talking about. Ok, so here they are, your three powerful tools to change the world:

1. Choosing

2. Asking

3. Declaring

I like to talk about the first power, the power of conscious choosing. Sometimes we have a very ambivalent attitude towards choosing or decision-making. On the one hand as so-called adults of course we want to have the choice and make our own decisions, rather than getting orders, that we have to follow. On the other hand there is a part in us, that likes the freedom of choice but want’s to avoid the responsibility that goes along inseparably with any decision. This dilemma of ‘freedom: yes - responsibility: no’ usually leads to the fact, that we push our power of decision into unconsciousness or that we just give this immense power away. The result: we live a powerless life without impact and become a victim of circumstances. There are three aspects, which - if we get clarity about - allow us to reconquer the full power of choosing.

Choosing consciously vs. choosing unconsciously

We are constantly choosing and deciding – without being aware of it. From the moment when the alarm clock rings, up to the moment when we fall back to sleep at the end of the day - the entire time, while we are awake. But, are we really awake? If we were really awake, we would be aware of our decisions or would choose consciously. So, the alarm clock rings and we stand up - without us being aware that we have just chosen, to stand up, rather than to sleep a little bit longer. Or we decide to remain in bed just for some more minutes - which perhaps needs a little more conscious decision. But as soon as it becomes a little bit hectic later at breakfast or we stand in the daily traffic jam, we often have already forgotten, that it was our decision, to sleep a little bit longer, and we start complaining about the traffic or our working hours. Freedom of decision: yes - but no responsibility. This is simply because in our culture we consider responsibility as something negative. We equal responsibility with guilt and if we are guilty, we will be held accountable and we risk to be punished.

Like this it goes on the whole day. We decide unconsciously or simply forget, that we have decided ourselves, so that we are not guilty and we easily can complain about our stupid boss, our boring work, the slow staff at the supermarket, our inattentive husband or the dull television program. We are just poor victims of circumstances. We even go further by telling ourselves, that we have no choice at all - after all, we cannot control what's coming on TV, as we’re not making the program!

That is one option. The other alternative, to avoid the responsibility associated with choosing, is hesitation and procrastination or simply not making any decision. It is also a very paradox approach, because not choosing is also a decision.

Both versions, the unconscious choosing and the denial of choosing have one thing in common: in both ways we choose, but give the power that is connected with the choice to another person or to a situation, by trying to avoid the responsibility. The key to regain the power of decision and to change the position from the victim of circumstances to the creator of our own life, lies within our attitude towards responsibility. As long as we see responsibility as something negative, we will not be able to use this power and give it away. And as long as we draw a hidden profit out of being a victim of circumstances, we will not want to have this power back. The clou: even here we have the choice - we can decide, what attitude we want to take towards responsibility, which meaning we give to it. Responsibility could in fact also have the meaning of freedom rather than of guilt. When we are ready to bear the consequences of our actions, without loopholes and without exception - I know that sounds pretty scary at first, but it also brings us immense power of acting. Responsibility from this perspective can also have the meaning of power and the ability to create, to have an impact, to change something.

So, which meaning of responsibility do you choose?

Do you really want to have the power of choosing back? Even if it means giving away the profit of being a victim of circumstances?

Choosing without reason

We have also learned, always to deliver a good and logical reason for our decisions.

• "I don‘t go running today, because it's raining outside."
• "I cannot come eating ice cream with you at the weekend, because I still have so much to do."
• "This year I go to Chile for vacation, because I have friends there, that I will visit. "

Whether we give these reasons for ourselves or for others - to make a decision without reason, seems unnatural to us. Simply because we are so much used to it. Our decisions should be justified to us or others, we do not want to offend someone with our decision, we want to look good in front of others and ourselves, etc.

But if we take a closer look: where does our power go when we give a reason for our choice? Let‘s just compare it:

• "I don‘t go running today." (full stop)
• "I don‘t go running today, because it's raining outside."

Where is the power in the first statement? Where does the power go in the second statement? In the first statement, the power of decision lies with me, in the second statement the power goes with the reason. So, similar to the unconscious decision or the denial to decide, we also give our power away, in this case to the reason for our decision.

How would it be for you to just choose without a reason? Can you even imagine it? Try it and notice the difference.

Choosing from what is not offered

Another conditioning we suffer from is our belief, that we only can choose from what is being offered. This conditioning is so deeply implanted, that we do not even notice it, because we still have a choice. And so during our whole live we choose from the things that are offered by the ‘Mainstream', without thinking about other more meaningful possibilities.

We select from the types of schools that are offered to us, without checking whether they make sense for our children. After school we choose an apprenticeship or studies in accordance with the existing lists or professional degree programs, although we perhaps are interested in something else, which doesn’t exist as a study program. So we try to somehow fit in the existing structure, rather than to create our own structure. Then we try to find a job in the job advertisements on the Internet or in the newspaper that fits as well as possible to us. We choose from the given television program, from what fashion and trade offers us, etc. Even in the restaurant we usually stick to the menu and do not dare to make a special order. We do not want to be rude or out of line. And so we waste our power to choose often to mediocrity and compromise, rather than to decide for our passion, enthusiasm and our destiny.

But what if our individual vocation does not exist in the official job lists? What if our passion, the fire that burns in us, is not offered in an official study or training program? What can we do? Do we just have bad luck then? Well, that's one option. Or we begin to choose from what is not offered, and start to create our own study program. Ok, probably we will not get an official degree for that study program. But if there is already no official study program, which corresponds to our passion, then our job as well will not be a normal, accepted job. It takes courage not to stick to the menu. That is the price we pay, if we want to live our lives according to our lively and passionate visions. And conscious choosing is one of our most powerful tools to achieve this.

Are you willing to pay that price?

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now. (J.W. von Goethe)”

Love,

Patrizia