Eight factors that keep us from being our destiny in action (part 1)

If you want to live your calling, you need to go through a rite of passage into responsible adulthood

Maybe you are already looking for your calling for years. But somehow, you don’t get further - you seem to be stuck. You have read many books and worked through tons of questionnaires encouraging you to reflect yourself - for example, about what you would do if you had 1 Million Dollars. Maybe you have also consulted your horoscope or finally asked a fortune-teller to get a hint why you are here on this earth. Or you have sacrificed time and money for a coaching or a consultant to figure out what your calling could possibly be.

And perhaps by all these things you achieved more clarity about what your talents are, what you would like to do - maybe even about what your calling might be. And yet you are still doing the same job, maybe even in the same company, day by day, and you started asking yourself, why you do not succeed to change things and to fulfill your purpose.

I constantly experienced this phenomenon working as a vocational coach. There are good reasons for it. The frustration about this phenomenon made me realize that finding and living your calling cannot be achieved by a mere intellectual approach - such as most books and coaching are trying to do. Although intellectual reflection may lead to more clarity, we don’t learn to make decisions. Becoming our destiny in action however is a multidimensional process that requires a profound transformation of our inner orientation.

There are (at least) eight factors that keep us from fulfilling our desire of leading a purposeful life and work and to live our calling (Note: in this article I write about no. 1 to 4. Factors 5 to 8 will follow in my next article):

1. You're using the operating system Survival 8 instead of Destiny 1.0

We come into this world with a kind of basic programming, an operating system, whose primary objective is our physical survival. To survive as babies or as children, we are dependent on the care of our environment. We are not yet able to feed ourselves, to keep ourselves warm or to protect ourselves. Therefore, this preinstalled operating system, programmed for survival, makes us develop security strategies and automatic behaviors to prevent us from dying. We adapt unconsciously as well as possible to the circumstances and avoid anything that could be dangerous for our survival.

Yet we are designed to make an exchange of our operating system at the age of about 15. We would be able by then to replace the old operating system "Survival" with the operating system "Destiny 1.0" by going through an initiation process from the irresponsible adolescent to the responsible adult. Unfortunately, this reprogramming is not provided in our modern society. So we continue to run on "Survival" and follow the instructions by always installing the latest updates of this operating system.

The problem is that with this operating system we can only use system-compatible applications. The application "Living your calling" is not compatible with the operating system "Survival", not even with the latest version. It just does not run on this operating system. To use this application, it is necessary to change the operating system completely. But we hesitate to make that change. Anyone who has ever thought about switching from Windows to Mac OS or the other way round knows that fear. Therefore, we often prefer to remain with the known system, even if it limits our possibilities. At least we know that it works because we have survived so far.

The secret is: If we chose to switch to Destiny 1.0, we are free to still use the old applications. However, experience shows that the new applications running on Destiny 1.0 are much more interesting and even more fun than the old survival apps, so that we stop using them automatically.

What operating system do you use?

Requirement # 1.:
You install the operating system Destiny 1.0 by going through an initiation process into responsible adulthood. That way you transform your inner alignment from safety orientation to destiny orientation. The application "Living your calling" then is accessible to you.

2. You believe in your own stories

Humans are great storytellers. We give a meaning to every circumstance and situation. And we tend to believe our stories. Our stories become our reality because we are able to find hundreds of evidences to prove that our story is true. Nevertheless, it remains a story.

An example:

It rains. A completely neutral situation. Drops of water are falling from the sky. Full stop. Nothing else. But we do not stop there. We invent a story about it, which might be something like this: "Oh, man, this fucking rain again. I wanted to go hiking today. If I start now, I'm going to be drenched like a drowned rat in no time. Who might want that? Definitely not me, anyway. That happens to me every time. Whenever I plan to do something, the weather is bad or something unexpected happens. I always have bad luck. ... "

Great story! In contrast to that "It's raining. Full stop." is just boring.

We also have lots of stories regarding working and vocation that we take for reality. Here are a few examples – some classics:

• "Well, I'd really like to do XY, but you earn no money with that."
• "Self-employed work is not really my thing. I'm more of a security type."
• "I need at least XXXX Euros a month to survive."
• "I just do not have enough reserves to live my calling. I first have to build up some reserves. But somehow I never get there. Whenever I'm about to get there another big expense, I have not thought of, comes along."
• "No one will pay money for that."
• "To get there, I would have to study first. Otherwise, people would not take me for serious. This would take far too long and I cannot afford it."
• "There are already so many people doing exactly this. I don’t have a chance to build up a business in this area."

If we believe these stories to be true, we probably make the unconscious decision not to continue in following our calling.

The secret is: We are the creators of our own stories - and stories are stories, that means they have nothing to do with reality. Therefore, we can decide to invent a different story at any time. We could choose a story that does not discourage us to follow our calling.

Which stories regarding your vocation or your talents are active within you?

Requirement # 2.:
You are aware that every day you are inventing stories about yourself, your life and the world. You take responsibility for your stories. You switch to create your stories consciously and decide to use stories that give you strength and bring you closer to being your destiny in action.

3. You don’t yet own the power of your conscious feelings - especially of your fear

In terms of feelings I have written so many articles that I want to be brief on this aspect. What I have found out is that the access to our basic feelings (anger, sadness, fear and joy) is necessary for fulfilling our true purpose in life. If we do not own the power of our feelings, it is our feelings that have power over us, and we are not able to follow our calling. In our modern society feelings are seen as bad and unprofessional, which normally prevents us from getting full access to our feelings. On the contrary – this attitude usually leads to making ourselves as numb as possible.

Our feelings can serve us as a precise navigation system to our purpose. If we are authentically angry or sad about certain circumstances in this world, it may be an indicator for a job on our table. The sadness or anger arises because we have that vision of a better world, we know or sense that something else would be possible and we are sad and/or angry that this possibility has not yet been implemented. If this is the case, it could be part of your calling to create these possibilities. But also joy, e.g. in the form of enthusiasm, and even fear give us valuable information about our purpose. My personal motivation to go further into unknown territory to fulfill my purpose resulted mostly from my deep fear that my life might otherwise remain meaningless.

As long as we don’t own the power of our feelings, they will prevent us from being our destiny in action. As long as we don’t own our fear, our fear dominates us and we will always find a lot of good reasons why we still cannot realize our purpose.

The secret is: Our feelings not only give us valuable information about our calling, they also provide us with the required energy to make the necessary action steps. All feelings - when we use them in an adult, authentic and responsible way – constantly provide us with the fuel to be our destiny in action. In particular, the access to our fear is necessary to be able to enter the unknown territory of our vocation.

Do you already own the power of your conscious feelings or do your feeling still own you?

Requirement # 3.:
You do conscious feelings work for some time to lower your numbness bar step by step and to re-gain access to your feelings. Once you're able to feel and express your feelings in their pure form (meaning not mixed) up to an intensity of 100% you can use them responsibly as a navigation system and an energy supply to be your destiny in action.

4. You do not yet possess your underworld

There is a part in us that does not want to grow up and instead wants to avoid responsibility. There are already different names for this part - the shadow part, the inner demon, the dark side, etc. In the context of Possibility Management, that part is called the Gremlin. The Gremlin is the king of our personal underworld. Our Gremlin mostly acts unrecognized in the unconscious and uses many tricks to sabotage our highest objectives, just to prevent us from taking responsibility. Each Gremlin has other strategies and serves so-called shadow principles, such as manipulation, arrogance, laziness, resentment, abuse of power, destruction, perfectionism, control addiction, lies, deceit, hypocrisy, being right, etc. If we are not aware about this part of us, or even deny its existence, our Gremlin has free rein to prevent us from living our destiny. Because to put yourself into the service of your purpose, of something bigger than yourself, without being concerned about your own advantage, is nothing that your Gremlin would voluntarily do.

If your Gremlin for example serves the shadow principle of perfectionism and you are not aware of it, then he may keep you away from fulfilling your purpose, by constantly telling you: "Sweetie, you're just not good enough - others are much better". And as long as you're not good enough, you cannot live your vocation, because you will not succeed and you will end as a beggar under a bridge. No matter what you are trying to do to live your vocation, he will try to sabotage it. That sounds now as if that part in us is despicable and therefore has to be destroyed. Oh no, not at all - because, firstly, that would not work anyway and secondly, we often need especially our Gremlin for being our destiny in action.

The secret is: Our Gremlin part has many extraordinary skills that can be useful for living our purpose. Our Gremlin, for example, is able to break rules, to destroy things or to be rude, because he is not afraid of authorities. When we start on our path to live our purpose, we usually have to move out of the ruling system. Therefore these skills are especially useful. Maybe we have to break a few rules or destroy someone’s illusions. Or maybe it is necessary to call someone we do not know or who is regarded as an authority in the ruling system and we would normally be far too shy to call that person. The Gremlin part has no problem at all with it! To be able to use these skills, however, we first have to become aware of our underworld and have to take it into possession, so our Gremlin sits on our side on a short leash.

What's the name of your Gremlin and what are his favorite tricks to keep you from fulfilling your purpose?

Requirement # 4.:
You went through the transformative process of a journey into your underworld within a safe space to gain clarity and awareness of it and to gain full possession of the kingdom of your personal underworld. You have given a name to your Gremlin, you know his tricks and his favorite food, you hold him on a short leash at your side, feed him according to your plan and give him some exciting tasks that support you being your destiny in action.

...

And these are just the first four requirements! That sounds like a lot of work! Yes, to really grow up and take radical responsibility, costs a bit of effort and does not happen overnight. A deep transformational process takes some time to complete. The results, however, are completely different from a mere intellectual approach to the subject. I experienced the following: Going the path of initiation step-by-step leads to all the above mentioned requirements, and when the soil is prepared our purpose and destiny starts showing up automatically. Because our purpose is already there – it just waits inside for us to become aware of it. We only need to create the conditions, to hear this inner call and let ourselves be moved by our authentic purpose.

To say it with the words of Alixa from Climbing Poetree:

What do you most deeply desire to give?

"we were born right now

for a reason

we can be whatever

we give ourselves the power to be

and right now we need

day dreamers

gate keepers

bridge builders

soul speakers

web weavers

light bearers

food growers

wound healers

trail blazers

truth sayers

life lovers

peace makers

give what you most deeply desire

to give

every moment you are choosing to live

or you are waiting

why would a flower hesitate to open?

now is the only moment

rain drop let go

become the ocean

possibility is as wide

as the space

we create

to hold it"

(by Climbing Poetree, www.climbingpoetree.com)

Love,

Patrizia

Read more about factor # 5 to # 8 next month:

5. You are hypnotized by the ruling system and you believe that you can choose only from what is offered to you.

6. You live somebody else’s life

7. Very old unconscious decisions are still active within you

8. Destiny shows up at a certain level of responsibility

Conflicts are evolution boosters

If you try to avoid conflicts, you’re trying to avoid life

Do you like conflicts? We could live happily without them. At least we often think that, when conflicts arise on the horizon of our lives. Why must life be so complicated? Why can’t we just lead a quiet peaceful life and be in harmony? Somebody always turns up and makes life difficult for us. Or we make our life difficult ourselves with discontent that triggers an internal conflict in us. And then life gets tiring again. That's at least what we have learned about conflicts. They are exhausting and dangerous. There is a lot to lose, if there is a conflict: our status, our position, our relationships, our money, etc. In the worst case - if the conflict escalates totally - we might even lose our lives. Reason enough to avoid conflicts as much as possible!

Another reason why we shy away from conflicts, is that they are strongly associated with feelings. Anger, sadness and fear are constant companions and sometimes also the cause of a conflict. And if we consider these feelings as negative, we will automatically also consider conflicts as negative and we will try to avoid them as much as possible. If we numb ourselves regarding our feelings, we will also numb ourselves in regard to conflicts. Then we do not notice an arising conflict for a very long time. Sometimes the conflict has already escalated, until we even realize that something is wrong. At the same time our ability to respond appropriately to conflicts is not very common. And so we normally respond with our automatic behavior patterns on conflicts and so the conflict ends in dispute and quarrel. This in turn maintains our negative view on conflicts - a vicious circle.

But what are conflicts actually? A conflict occurs, when two seemingly incompatible perspectives, opinions, objectives or positions meet. Whether between several persons or groups of persons as an external conflict, but also within a person as an internal conflict. Conflicts just say: here is a difference, an imbalance, a tension between two poles! Nothing else. The conflict itself is neither good nor bad - it is just an indicator, that reality itself and our vision of how reality could be, differ at the moment. The conflict just informs us, that eventually there is a necessity for change.

And the feelings, coming with the conflict, could provide the energy, to take appropriate action steps for this change, if we are able to use them consciously and responsibly. Anger we could use for example to provide clarity and to set boundaries. Sadness we could use to get in contact with the other person and communicate authentically or to find out, what greater principles connect both sides. Or we could use sadness also to let go of old habits and positions and to open ourselves to the change. Fear could serve us to proceed with caution and to find unusual solutions to resolve the conflict. Etc.

Even nature uses this potential that lies in balancing a conflict, in balancing the tension between two states or two poles. Just think of a thunderstorm, the process of osmosis, electric power generation or simply even to the process of evolution of living beings, which leads to an adaptation to a changing environment. In harmony itself there is no energy for creating – it needs a tension, a difference to generate the necessity of balancing and thus the energy for change. Nature therefore would never prevent tension, but it uses the energy contained in the tension to get to a new harmony. When we take this perspective, conflicts become a law of nature. Life and evolution would not be possible without tension and conflict! In this regard, conflicts are nothing else than catalysts for evolution!

If we try to avoid conflicts and don’t even notice them, we are trying to avoid life and evolution. The conflict does not go away like this. It gets even bigger and escalates, because evolution in this case needs a bigger tension and a bigger amount of energy to generate the necessary change. Like this, conflicts get a completely different meaning, than the traditional perspective, that makes us hate conflicts. Then the only question is how to deal with conflicts. The first step in any case is to change our perspective:

Conflict – traditional perspective	Conflict – new perspective
Fighting against each other	Catalyst for evolution
It‘s a problem	The problem is the solution
Irresponsible	Responsible.
I can’t do anything	Gives energy to act.
Personal attack	Space between two states while moving from A to B
To be avoided	Brings things forward
Rigidness	Vivid. Is part of life
Fear of separation and loss of relationship	Can create community
Negative	Indicator for necessity to change
Box-generated	Brings you out of the comfort zone
Based on positions	Based on principles
Failure	Development
I can’t control it.	Supports creativity
Dangerous	A thunderstorm cleans the air.
Sand in the gears	The necessary salt in the soup
Destroys relationship	Nature uses the tension to jump on the next evolutionary level.
Leads to war	Leads to decisions
Potential for escalation	Escalation generates energy for change.
Exhausting	Catalyst for change
Fear of pain and rejection	Being the creator
Weak and a blemish	Warrior in action.
Fear of losing	New possibilities
Should be dealt with behind closed doors.	Let’s talk and get in contact.
Tabu	Part of life. Development
Uncomfortable	Interesting
Being right	Being with
Low Drama	High Drama

The second step is, that we learn feel again, in order to use our feelings consciously and responsibly, to constructively transform conflict into necessary change processes. And also new communicative tools would be very useful, for not falling into the trap of our automatic patterns that lead more likely to quarrel and fight.

At the moment there is a conflict between nature and our modern society, that still wants to believe in the paradigm of the unlimited growth. Most of the people, who live in this society, close their eyes in regard of this conflict, hoping that it will go away like this. But this will not happen! On the contrary, the longer we ignore this conflict, the bigger the tension gets and the bigger the amount of energy will have to be, that evolution needs to get the necessary change going. If this conflict escalates, we will probably pay with our lives!

So, let’s face it and go through it together.

Love,
Patrizia

Useful questions:

• What is your deep inner attitude towards conflicts? Are you addicted to harmony?
• Take a large sheet of paper and paint a conflict map of your current life. In which areas of your life are hidden conflicts (with others or within you), that you prefer not perceive?
• What feelings are associated with these hidden conflicts (anger, fear, sadness, joy)?
• What are the possibilities behind these conflicts? What vision do you have in these areas?
• Paint an image of these visions in the brightest colors: how would it be for you, if these visions would become reality?
• What do you think would be necessary to take action steps to make these visions true?