Without access to our feelings all common communication tools are useless

Why ,Nonviolent Communication' and Co. are just a sticking plaster on our emotional numbness

Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg (GRP) is a wonderful and useful communication model, which allows us theoretically, to interact with others in a relationship-promoting way. The same is true for the communication techniques of Transactional Analysis by Eric Berne or the Four-Ears-Model by Friedemann Schulz-von Thun, to name just some of the currently used communication tools.

All these tools have one major handicap. To really work, the application of these tools requires a high level of awareness, as well as the ability to feel and to express feelings. And there’s the rub. While we all agree, that everybody has feelings, the ability to feel and to express feelings, however, in our modern, technological society is not very common. Instead of learning how to feel, from the very beginning of our lives, we unlearn how to feel and learn how to suppress feelings. Already during our childhood we get the clear signal from all sides, that feelings are not ok and certainly not professional, but just for little weepy girls.

We live in a world, where feelings are considered as an illness that requires psychological treatment. Not very surprising, since we have learned to suppress our feelings in a way, that they only become visible, when they have grown to an amount, that the safety valve on our inner strong room cannot withstand the pressure anymore and jumps off. This state has different names: nervous breakdown, burnout, anxiety attack, tantrum, depression, etc. Another evidence for our learned belief, that feelings are not ok, that they are even life-threatening. Are feelings perhaps an error of God? Consciously or unconsciously we look on feelings as a mere divine design mistake, we try to correct with different strategies. In order not to feel anything, we watch television, numb ourselves with alcohol, overeating or nicotine, try to distract ourselves with lots of entertainment or work – and if all else fails - an extended shopping tour.

But back to the communication models. In step 2 of Nonviolent Communication for example, it is about expressing what you feel. But if we are not able to feel, what exactly we are then to express? When I ask my clients during a coaching session, what they feel, I get numerous colorful answers. Very few answers really have something to do with feelings. Good, bad, so-so, confused, hurt, chipped, super, powerless, frustrated, annoyed, ok, sniffy ... to "I have back pain." Which of these is a feeling? Is 'good' or 'bad' a feeling? Is ‘confused' a feeling? Is ,back pain' a feeling? Only when they have the first little distinction regarding feelings, such as that there are only four basic feelings, which are anger, sadness, fear and joy, my clients begin to navigate internally with this new clarity and make first steps into their world of feelings.

We all have a deep longing for authentic and appreciative communication with others and for real connection. We long for community, intimacy and love. Therefore, people work hard on themselves, e.g. to change their communication by learning communication tools. Without realizing that they try to take the second step before the first. Because the first step is uncomfortable! Feelings work consists of two phases. Before we can learn to express our feelings in an authentic and responsible way, we must first learn to feel and to reduce our numbness bit by bit. Otherwise, all attempts to achieve different results in interacting with others using communication tools, are only adhesive plasters that we stick on our emotional wounds. They bring no cure and no new long-term results. If you learn Nonviolent Communication to get your anger under control or because the expression of anger is not OK for you, you will be disappointed. It will not work. Because the anger will not go away. On the contrary, it will be only the more pushed into unconsciousness - until one day again the valve gives way to the pressure. In order to communicate nonviolently, it is necessary to learn in the first place to feel your anger, to get in contact with your inner warrior and to change your attitude regarding anger. The same is also true for the other feelings.

Feelings work provides new results in relationships … and it is high level fun!

Love,
Patrizia

The time of the lone wolf is over

If you're doing everything alone, you accomplish only a small part of what is really possible



I do not know exactly when and how it happened, but at some point in my life I have become a lone wolf, who has everything under control and get’s everything done on its own. And this happened even though I almost always had a partner and good friends, and I was also part of teams! Crazy - but I was simply not aware of it, because I was successful and there were plenty of people in my life! The thought, that I was a lone wolf was simply absurd. It was only when I started to give up control and consciously co-create with others, that I realized that ‘get it all done on my own' is a popular survival strategy of my personal box!


This strategy has worked so well and became second nature to me, that now I sometimes have to force myself to change my behavior. Obviously there was a great benefit that I have drawn from the lone wolf strategy, that now comes into my consciousness little by little. Here is a list of the things that I could make out so far - maybe you'll find other aspects within yourself! 



Benefits of the lone wolf strategy: 

• I have everything under control (or at least I think so) and dictate where to go.
• I do not have to rely on others and do not have to decide on trust.
• I do not have to arrange things with others and to be considerate of someone else.
• I don’t have to lead.
• If it is successful, I can have all the glory for myself.
• If it goes wrong, I can cover it up much easier.
• I avoid feedback, no one will question my actions.
• I avoid contact, intimacy and relationship.
• I can feel overwhelmed and complain or optionally I can also feel very important and needed - depending on what is currently useful to me.
• I always have an excuse, not to go for my vision - because I can’t change the world all alone and besides, I have only 24 hours per day.

I was pretty shocked when I realized this. Especially that the lone wolf strategy was my unconscious excuse, not to go for my vision, because this task is much too big for one person! Since the middle of last year I have been experimenting with a different way to bring my vision and projects to life - the creative collaboration with like-minded people. I no longer give my trainings on my own, but together with other trainers. I gather people who share similar visions and goals as I do to project teams, where together we bring these visions and goals into reality. Before I rack my own little brain, I ask people for possibilities, ideas, support and help. That sounds as if I had just changed little things in my behavior, but for a lone wolf it means a big change and the impact is incredible! It fully compensates the loss of the benefits I have drawn from the lone wolf strategy. Here I name just a few ones:




Benefits of creative collaboration: 

• I don’t have to control and master everything anymore (only now I realize how stressful and exhausting that was!)
• Working together is much more relaxed and it's a lot more fun.
• I'm in contact, and get valuable feedback.
• Working together is a conscious learning and transformation field for everyone.
• We have a lot more ideas in less time.
• We bring the variety and diversity of our talents in the service of the same thing and thus increase our effectiveness.
• We are in relationship and together we create a field and sufficient mass to bring our shared vision to life.
• Together, we are able to attain much bigger goals and bolder visions, we do not even dare to think about, when we are all alone.

As a consequence my projects change, they are growing larger and expand! It's not about me anymore, but about bringing to life our common vision. Things are happening, that I have not even considered as a lone wolf, because they seemed impossible to me. Recently my trainer colleague Nicola and I had a Skype session with a very dedicated woman from South Africa, and we shared our visions and talked about a possible collaboration and an exchange of what each one of us can provide. 


So if we really want our authentic visions and goals to come true, no matter how big they are or how bold they may seem, the lone wolf strategy is not the best choice to get it done. 

Given the global challenges we are facing, we usually feel alone and overwhelmed and think "What can I do anyway? I alone can not change anything"- although we clearly feel the pain inside about how things are going and have a clear vision of what we would like to change, if we only could. This too is a form of lone wolf thinking. This thought is obviously also based on the belief that ‘we have to fix it on our own’. Or it is just our preferred excuse to not take responsibility … 

It's time to wake up and let go the lone wolf strategy! Never before have there been so many possibilities to get in contact with like-minded people, like now. Never before have there been so many groups, communities, movements and initiatives committed to change the world, like now! What are you waiting for? 


Love
Patrizia 



Useful questions:

• Are you a lone wolf (Look carefully - it's not always easy to see – it does not necessarily mean that you are alone – ask others for feedback – they can tell you)?
• What benefits do you personally draw from the lone wolf strategy (see the list in the text or other aspects)? Are you ready to give it up?
• What would your contribution to the world be, if only you had a spark of hope that your contribution would change anything? What is your vision of a better world?
• Find out if there is already a group, or initiative, or other people who are committed or are willing to commit to a similar vision as yours. Get in contact with them and see what happens.
• What would you be able to do and achieve if you don’t have to do it all alone?